*sigh*

Father...

i'm not doing her any good... the last several months have been nothing but worry after worry for her... i mean... what have i not done to hurt or frustrate her?

help me...

take it back... You handle it! apparently i'm no good at it. it was fine... until i tried to handle things myself. i'm giving it over to You again. help me... please.

i love You

In Jesus' name

Amen

Father...

I still want to know who I am. I did have a better day today... though I'm not quite sure why. I did feel incredibly uncomfortable during that game, though... I guess that's just You telling me to not get involved or attached. I never thought the Wikipedia runs would actually come back to see me again...

Thank you for Andrew and Dexter... while I may not agree with everything they do, they are good friends.

You know, as we talked I remembered that I was made to praise. I might have said that yesterday, but I feel like I'm coming back to it. Even John Denver seemed to be saying the same thing. Sure, he only talked about love bringing me home and seeing me through when I had lost who I was... I had never really thought about the song, but the more I listened... the more you seemed to be talking through it. Love for You and Your love for me will lead me back home. Just like the prodigal...

However there are still some issues that need working out. I wonder, Father, why You led me to a place full of my weakness... there are so many girls here... Why do they give me attention now? You know that I don't handle it correctly, so please help me, or guide me one.

You are the joy-giver and the "giver of immortal gladness," the life-sustainer and Holy One. You can penetrate the deepest darkness with only a word. Please, destroy the darkness that I still feel in me. But don't just leave it empty, Lord. Fill all of the space with Your Holy Spirit. Start the fire again.

And please... guide me into wisdom so that this searching won't just fall short and I end up where I started. I can look back, and I've never felt as far from You as I did on Saturday. I just felt depressed, lonely... I didn't know what to do or how to handle that. And in my pride and shame I felt like I couldn't talk to You.

I still feel like I'm catharting... I don't want this to be some fake emotional outpouring of nothing... I want this to be real. I want this to be a springboard into a deeper relationship with You. Even though... I may still be a child in that I don't know what all is involved with that. But... I'm willing to learn. Teach me, giver of Wisdom.

You say "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective..." to be honest... I've never thought of myself as righteous... by any means... and that always makes me reluctant to pray. "Maybe I'm just wasting my breath in all of this?" I usually think. Do my prayers for others make a real difference?

I know you cleanse me... but I need constant cleansing... I'm such an awful sinner, Father. You know me inside and out. You know every thought... and every action. You've seen my schemes, plots, and plans... And thankfully You've kept me form doing them... but, Father... can you cleanse me again. I'm sorry for what I've done, even today. Inappropriate thoughts and words... You know I often catch myself looking for ways to mess-up. I'm sorry for pitching in with others... And I seriously hope that I haven't damaged anyone's faith today. I'm sorry... please forgive me... a pitiful sinner.

Father... I love You.

In Jesus' name

Amen

Father... after all this time... the question finally comes up.

Who am I?

I honestly don't know who I am anymore... though I never really questioned it before. Just today I asked myself and began listing things about myself. Instead I kept describing "what" I am rather than "who." Who am I? And what does that question mean, anyway? Does it mean knowing my likes and dislikes and all the quirky little facts about me? Is it my personality? Is it my purpose?

If it's the first... then I'm a rather sad individual, I must admit. If it's the second, I've stolen so many traits from others that I literally would be a chimera. And purpose... I've read the books and know that I'm here to praise you... So if I praise you does that cover it? So... has my motivation been wrong all of this time? Is that why I've been feeling so meaningless lately? Has all of the help gone to waste because I was doing it out of a sense of obligation rather than to make You happy?

Sometimes I hate knowing all of the answers... I get cocky and think I've got everything under control, when in reality my feet are being taken out from under me.

And I've felt rather alone lately.

And darn it! I realized that every time I tell someone something that's "on my heart" it's not sincere! I end up in a sappy play of emotions that means nothing. Instead of dealing with the issue at hand, I pull out some made up crap that they'll believe and go with. The problems are never dealt with and the other person ends up worrying and praying over some made-up story.

Can You teach me who I am so that I can show myself to others. You said You came to give life and give it abundantly... I want to live that. First, though, I need you to teach me who I am... in You.

I hate praise... for myself. If I could do everything without anyone knowing, and no one ever say a word about it... that would be better. If I could be a disembodied voice when I sing... an invisible laborer when I work. I don't deserve any of the compliments I receive. I know you've cleansed me, but the thought of screwing up seconds later drives me into a frustrated state.

I like this writing thing... I may just pray like this for a while until I get things worked out.

Father... why did she withdraw? Did You tell her to, because I don't understand?

Father, God Almighty, the One to whom all praise should go, ultimate creator and unbounded lover of this weary soul... I love You. I try to love with with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Maybe someday I'll achieve that.

Amen

ARGH!

Where are you, Father!?! Why am I feeling this way? I mean, I've done what you said! I've tried! I've tried and tried and tried to do what you said, but where am I now? Do I have to figure that out to? Why can't I just get a straight answer anymore?

Everyone else seems to be in peak spiritual condition, but I'm over here rotting in who knows what wondering what happened! And that stupid devotional didn't help just now! What was that? Telling me that I'm missing my appointments because I don't even know where I am! Why don't you tell me!? Huh? Why? Why can't I just get an answer I can at least deal with?

This... silence! I hate it! It's just now bothering me, but it's so frustration now that I've noticed it! I thought I'd be fine here! I figured I'd have a year or two more of You helping me before I just fell off the face of the earth. I'm tired... and hungry.... and sick of everything! I keep helping people! Do You see me? Can you even hear this?

Nothing means anything anymore... Where are you? I had meaning before... Everything made sense before. Now all I have are answers... I hardly remember the questions anymore. I know you're there... I know what you did is proven beyond the shadow of a doubt... but why this? Why this silence now?

Please talk to me. Sermon, person, devotional, anything! Just let me know that you're watching me pour what little I have out for other people! Even that doesn't have the joy it used to have! It's a bother now more than anything!

But I'm still going... working and toiling for those you put here...

I feel like crap... I can't even bring myself to read Edwin's letter... I want to... but I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of it

I'm a slave... a slave taht doesn't deserve your calling. I should, as you said through Jesus, say "I'm just doing my duty" and trudge on... but what about friend? what about child?

Everything feels like a stupid game now! Even this. I feel like I'm talking to air...

"My God, My God... why have you forsaken me?"

Father... if you are listening... even at this desk... I'm bowing physically and bowing my heart... Please, don't look at my face...

Father... you know I love you.

Savior, you know I love you.

God Almighty, you know all things! Why do you ask me if I love you? Of course! Of course... ...

I just want to be able to feel You again...

I know that others call on you and are heard. You lift them up and heal them. You purify them and make them into beings perfectly fit for Your work. I've seen those that call on Your name. Your power raises them up and your love and mercy heal them.

Father, I am a sinner... I know I'm tossed and turned by the waves of indecision and speculation... Quiet my heart. Still my thoughts and rearrange them. Teach me to listen. Teach me to love Your wisdom. Teach me humility.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a righteous spirit within me.

Amen